Chuck Norrisismsssss

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Chuck Norrisismsssss

Postby [RS] Nick_Stone » Fri Apr 28, 2006 5:00 pm

"Alien vs. Predator" is an autobiographical depiction of Chuck Norris' first sexual experience.


While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France.


Chuck Norris once ate an entire watermelon, including the seeds, then grew an entire watermelon patch in his stomach which fed eleven families for six weeks.


In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck killed that man.


If you were to know Chuck Norris' true name, your mind would collapse upon itself.


A freak accident involving Chuck Norris and a severe thunderstorm turned an ordinary Total Gym (R) into Richard Dean Anderson, star of TV series "MacGyver". Scholars around the world maintain that this is the only known case of irony that is both situational and dramatic.


Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is unable to send his roundhouse kicks across the fabric of time, however he IS able to perform this action across parallel dimensions and once, just for fun, roundhouse kicked his own ass.


Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.


Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.


Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.


When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.


The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.


Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.


Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.


There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.


Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.


Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.


A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.


If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.


The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.


Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"


Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.


Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.


There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.


Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.


Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.


Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.


There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.


When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.


When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.


Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)


Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.


Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.


Chuck Norris can divide by zero.


When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.


Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."


Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.


Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.


When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.


Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.


Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.


Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.


The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.


It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.


The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.


There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.


Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.


Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.


Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendents now have white hair.


Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.


It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.


Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.


When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.


Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.


Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.


Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.


The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.


There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.


Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.


Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.


Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
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Postby [RS] Nick_Stone » Fri Apr 28, 2006 5:01 pm

Chuck Norris isnt lactose intolerant. He just doesnt put up with lactoses shit.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

When the Boogeyman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Ice isnt cold water, its water that is scared still by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make subpar cookies in the tree, Chucks tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is Charles. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to get freaky every girl in the stadium.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down til they give him the information he needs.

Chuck Norris can talk about Fight Club.

Chuck Norris doesn't stand on cardboard boxes to look taller. They themselves grovell beneath his feet for such a placement.
Last edited by [RS] Nick_Stone on Fri Apr 28, 2006 5:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby [RS] Nick_Stone » Fri Apr 28, 2006 5:01 pm

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f_ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
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Postby Thai_ » Fri Apr 28, 2006 5:27 pm

lol some of thats funny, but ermm whot the feck is chuck norris :shock:
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Postby [RS] Zorro » Fri Apr 28, 2006 5:37 pm

[RS] 7hai... wrote:lol some of thats funny, but ermm whot the feck is chuck norris :shock:


i swear. u have been living in a frigin cave all your life
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Postby Thai_ » Fri Apr 28, 2006 5:39 pm

he does karate and is 'well ard' (got that from a quick google search and the lines) but who the hell is he :?
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Postby [RS] Nick_Stone » Fri Apr 28, 2006 5:44 pm

[RS] 7hai... wrote:he does karate and is 'well ard' (got that from a quick google search and the lines) but who the hell is he :?


Thats all we need to know.


no-one else knows, as no-one has dared ask....
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Postby [RS]Narziss » Fri Apr 28, 2006 6:23 pm

Chick Norris is my father....

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Narz, I removed your sig - was breaking forums since moving to new host. Will fix soon as I can x
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Postby [RS] Zorro » Fri Apr 28, 2006 6:42 pm

[RS] Narziss~UK wrote:Chick Norris is my father....


:lol: :lol: 2 true
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Postby [RS] Nick_Stone » Tue May 09, 2006 11:30 am

Awarded to an individual who has shown a propensity to violence and excellence in combat that can be only surpassed by Chuck Norris himself.

Motto

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Criteria:

500 points in any one round
Removal of all Artillery, Commander, and Radar Stations with the knife.
Destruction of 3 Tanks, 3 Apc's, and 3 Jeeps just by running into them.

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Postby [RS] Nick_Stone » Tue May 09, 2006 11:32 am

If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an
essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the
words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically,
Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually
roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris can hear silence.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real

Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is
"lucky".

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open
you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to
be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Most reported Bigfoot sightings are just Chuck Norris with his shirt off.
Loch Ness sightings, on the other hand, are Chuck with his pants off.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris".
He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck
accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later,
the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had
happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just
too easy.

On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said,
"Chuck Norris was here."

There are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Chuck Norris,
and people who are going to die.

The Earth doesn't revolve. It's just trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

If you don't know who your biological father is, it's probably Chuck Norris.

The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to
a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

Chuck Norris can draw a square circle.
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Postby [RS] Jonno » Tue May 09, 2006 6:54 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby [RS] SniperGecko » Tue May 09, 2006 7:54 pm

Some of that shit is class. I say some of it though cuz i can't be arsed to read all that shit
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